


Wizard Wheezes

by commas_and_ampersands



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble Collection, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-19 10:01:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13121412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commas_and_ampersands/pseuds/commas_and_ampersands
Summary: A collection of old Harry Potter ficlets, drabbles, and short stories that I don't feel warrant their own entries.  Featuring many pairings and characters.  Featured characters noted in chapter titles, and explicit fics will be marked with an asterisk(*).





	1. Harry Potter and the Curse of the Bunnies (Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Luna, Seamus, Dean, and McGonagall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turned out, fate was a cruel mistress, and rabbits were horny little bastards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written April 2011; minor edits December 2017.

After the great Battle of Hogwarts, no one had thought that the castle could have endured another assault.  To begin with, the foundations had been shaken and the walls torn down, but on a symbolic level, the school as a whole had been weakened.  It had been through the worst and come out on the other side, but it was not the stronghold it had once been.  More to the point, if there were a merciful god, it would not have had to go through another calamity such as the one Voldemort had wrought.  
  
But as it turned out, fate was a cruel mistress, and rabbits were horny little bastards.  
  
Disaster began, as it always seemed to do, with Harry Potter.  With Voldemort defeated and the wizarding world safe at last, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, (who Harry was beginning to think of as one entity rather than two separate people), had decided to take a long rest at the castle.  Not many had wished to stay after the grueling ordeal that had taken so many lives, but enough had remained to form a tiny community of sorts.  A community that knew that Harry really wanted to be left alone.  
  
Harry took a number of long walks throughout the Forbidden Forest, and it was on one of those walks that he came across something very strange.  
  
Bunny rabbits.  
  
In all his years at Hogwarts, the only rabbit he'd ever seen was Luna Lovegood's Patronus.  Or was that a hare?  And what was the difference?  Anyway, he was used to centaurs, unicorns, and the occasional monstrous spider, but the rabbits were so pedestrian that they seemed out of place.  Their presence was incongruous with the rest of the forest.  
  
Later, he wouldn't know why exactly he'd decided to bring them back to the castle.  Maybe he feared for their safety.  Maybe he was longing for a pet to replace brave Hedwig.  Or maybe they were just too cute to be left alone.  The point was, he gathered the two rabbits into his cloak and brought them home with him.  
  
"Harry, they're adorable!" Ginny cooed, scratching one under the chin as if it were a cat.  
  
"Rabbits?  In the Forbidden Forest?" Ron asked incredulously.  "Not really the sort of thing you find there, is it?"  
  
Hermione chuckled quietly.  "Well, honestly, Ron, what would you have done if Harry had brought back a giant spider with him?"  
  
Ron's ears turned the shade of Luna's radish earrings.  "'S not funny, Hermione."  
  
"Are you frightened of spiders, Ron?" Luna asked in her dreamlike voice, cradling the other rabbit in her arms as if it were a sleeping baby.  "That seems strange, doesn't it?  After riding a dragon and destroying horcruxes."  
  
Ron shoved his hands into his pockets and muttered something incoherent about childhood trauma.  
  
"Are you going to name them, Harry?" Ginny asked, tilting her head in a way that made Harry very much want to nibble at her neck.  
  
He suppressed the urge because they were in public, but made a mental note for later.  Then he shrugged.  "Dunno.  Suppose I should."  
  
Ginny's face lit up in a way that made Harry's knees not want to cooperate with him.  Ron and Hermione shared a knowing glance while Luna said, "I think Ginny wants to name them, Harry."  
  
Harry regained control of his equilibrium and said, "Sure, Gin.  Go ahead."  
  
Ginny didn't hesitate.  "Hazel and Phineas."  
  
Harry made a mental note not to let Ginny name their children, should they ever have them.  
  


* * *

  
The next day, Harry was quite surprised to discover he now had six rabbits.  
  
"Cor, did they clone themselves?" Seamus asked, having been lured away from 'boosting the morale' of the female war heroes.  
  
"Don't be silly," Hermione scolded, as usual ignoring sarcasm in favor of accuracy.  "Apparently one of them was pregnant."  
  
Seamus pretended to look amazed.  "Really, Hermione!  I'd no idea."  
  
Dean swatted at his old roommate, then said to Harry.  "You're going to need to build them a hutch soon."  
  
"Err... a what?"  
  
"A hutch.  Like a big rabbit cage."  
  
"Can't we just let them run free?" Ginny asked.  "I'd hate to see them locked up."

Dean twitched a little, making Harry wonder if he had actually gotten over his relationship with Ginny the year before.  Ron spoke before he could worry over it any more.  "Guess we ought to name these too, eh?"  
  
Ginny smiled winningly.  
  
Harry's heart sank.  And at the end of the day he was proud owner of Phineas, Hazel, Suri, Apple, Moses, and Pilot Inspektor.  
  


* * *

  
When Harry discovered he had fifteen rabbits the next day, he started to get suspicious.  
  
"Horny little bastards, aren't they?" Ron asked, staring at the wiggling balls of fuzz now slowly taking over the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
"They also seem to time travel," Luna remarked.  
  
Harry was used to Luna's strange beliefs when it came to creatures, but time travel was a new one.  
  
Hermione, an expert on the subject, asked, "What on Earth makes you say that?"  
  
"The average gestation period for a rabbit is 31 days," Luna explained, ignoring the way all Ron and Seamus shuddered at the word 'gestation.'  "Not to mention, newborns aren't supposed to grow this fast."  
  
Harry didn't know what was more disconcerting: the rising rabbit count or the fact that everyone else seemed to know more about his pets than he did.  
  
"Luna's right," Hermione said, with only minor reluctance.  "This is very odd behavior.  I'd almost assume they were magical creatures, but I've never heard of any that resembled a rabbit."  
  
"We could ask Hagrid," Ron suggested.  
  
They agreed and went to fetch the former Game Keeper.  
  
By the time they got back to the castle with Hagrid, Harry Potter had 32 rabbits.  
  


* * *

  
By the end of the week, no one had any idea how many rabbits there were because they had taken over the entire castle.  
  
"Potter," Professor McGonagall began in her best stern tone, "am I to understand that this... fuzzy siege is your doing?"  
  
Harry marveled at the fact that he had literally saved the word, yet Minerva McGonagall could still make him feel like an 11-year-old in worn, ill-fitting clothes.  "Well... it's not as if I meant to--"  
  
"Potter, I caught one of them chewing on the Sorting Hat."  
  
Harry flinched.  "Oh.  Sorry."  
  
McGonagall sighed.  "Did it never occur to you to perhaps get rid of the rabbits once their strange behavior began?"  
  
"I did!" Harry insisted.  "We all put them out three days ago.   _They keep coming back_."  
  
McGonagall sighed tartly.  "And how do they manage that?"  
  
"It's not as though we're in a secure building," Harry drawled, gesturing to a Fenrir-sized hole behind the desk.  
  
She pointedly did not look in that direction.  "Well, what do you suppose we do about the rabbits, Potter?"  
  
Harry ran a hand down his face.  "We can't transfigure them.  I've tried, they just... change back an hour later."  
  
Thankfully, McGonagall did not question the efficacy of his spell.  At least she respected him that much.  "Have you considered... euthanizing them?"  
  
He blanched.  "I... I'm not sure I can do that in good conscience."  
  
She scowled.  
  
"Ginny named them," he explained.  
  
She did not even attempt to disguise her disdain.  "Potter, you destroyed the most notorious wizard in all our history.  Are you telling me you cannot bring yourself to dispose of a few rodents?"  
  
Harry wisely decided not to quibble over her use of 'a few.'  "They're just so cute!"  
  
McGonagall looked as though she very much wanted to slam her head down on the desk. "I don't suppose Ms. Granger has a plan?"  
  
Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Professor... it seems Hermione's developed an allergy--"  
  
"Oh, for pity's sake!"  
  
"How was I to know the rabbits were evil?"  
  
McGonagall threw her hands up in exasperation.  "You're Harry Potter!  Everything you touch turns into a giant problem!  Namely for me!"  
  
"Well--" Harry found he couldn't exactly respond to that.  "At least I didn't drive another car into a tree."  
  
"I'd rather you had," McGonagall snapped.  Then she rose from what had once been Dumbledore's desk, gathering her tartan robes in one hand.  "Normally I would insist that you handle this problem yourself, Potter, but I caught several of those little creatures in my rooms this morning."  
  
Harry definitely did not want to know what had become of those rabbits.  
  
"Off to bed," she ordered, as if he were a child up past his bedtime.  "This should all be sorted by morning."  
  


* * *

  
For the next month, rabbit stew was served at dinner every night.  Not surprisingly, few partook.  
  
And that is the story of how Harry Potter came to hate rabbits and an entire generation of Hogwarts students became vegetarians.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I 100% believe Ginny's a bit more tuned in to Muggle things than the others and is picking these names as a stealth joke. Dean's probably the only one who really gets it.
> 
> Neville's absence is weird in hindsight, so let's say he's off being Very Heroic elsewhere while everyone else recovers.


	2. the dragon in the glass cage (Luna/Draco)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco contemplates his ostracism in the wizarding world just as someone decides it's time to fix that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written July 2009; minor edits December 2017, mostly a futile effort to try and work out tenses.
> 
> This was originally part of a Draco/Luna rare pair claim that I dropped. I don't think I finished any more ficlets, but I might finish it 8 years later because I do like these two a lot.

There is an invisible line drawn between him and the rest of the world.  An unseen border that will not, or cannot, be crossed by those who believe in goodness and light and perhaps a Christian god with crown of blood and thorns.  He is anathema to all things righteous.  
  
His very shadow is a poison, and children whisper to their little sisters and brothers that letting it the darkness fall over even a toe will send them scattering into eternal darkness with no one but nameless specter of a Dark Lord for company.  
  
He is so scorned that it really doesn’t matter if he does or does not have a Dark Mark.  He is Lucius Malfoy’s son.  He let the Death Eaters into Hogwarts.  He is the reason Bill Weasley’s face was ruined.  And regardless of Albus Dumbledore’s questionable health when Snape sent him tumbling over the battlements, he knows that there are more than a fair few who whisper, “Murderer,” at his retreating back, never mind that he was  _lowering the damn wand_.  
  
Draco is never more aware of his imposed otherness than at social functions.  He may be a pariah, but it does not preclude him from taking part in these politely drunken rituals.  He has to rebuild the Malfoy wealth as well as the Malfoy reputation, for his mother’s sake if not for his own.  He has to show his face in public and remind people that the Ministry let him go, that they cleared him of any wrong-doing.  He has to show them that even if he made some mistakes, that he has grown far and away from that confused, terrified – and yes, he admits that openly – stupidly racist teenager who mended a vanishing cabinet to release the wolves.  
  
Besides, part of him enjoys watching each and every party guest skirt around him, as if catching a whiff of his expensive cologne may cause them to drop dead on the spot.  
  
“Hello, Draco Malfoy.”  
  
Well, almost everyone it seems.  
  
He turns and is surprised – indeed flabbergasted might be a better term – to find that someone is talking to him without the scowl poised to fling accusations.  He instead sees sparkling crimson lips curled into an effortless, serene smile with a pair of hazy grey eyes hovering above.  He doesn’t recognize her at first, but it comes rushing back to him with a dim kind of horror that the last time he really looked at her, she was locked up in his cellar.  
  
“Lo—Luna Lovegood,” he corrects.  He has no idea what to say to her.  ‘Sorry about the kidnapping’ seems inappropriate.  
  
“You’re surprised to see me,” she says, her voice a ghostly whisper.  He glances down at her robes – dove grey silk skirts that are a far cry from the spangled dress robes she wore for the Slug Club Christmas party.  He wonders if someone with more fashion sense finally gave her a good shake and made her take advantage of that loveliness hidden behind homemade radish earrings.  Then he notices her jewelry is still homemade, and still seems to be emulating some sort of root.  Judging by the dark purple hue, he wagers they're beets.  
  
“I’m a bit surprised you’re not slapping me across the face,” Draco drawls.  It was always best for him to revert to innocuous sarcasm.  No one ever believed his politeness, and they could not abide his most cutting remarks.  But a little darkness they could tolerate, though they constantly reassured themselves that still more lurked beneath the well-coiffed surface.  
  
She continues smiling at him.  Loony indeed.  “Oh, I don’t think much about those few months.  Please don’t feel awkward.  I know it wasn’t your fault.”  
  
Amazing, how she brushed away 90 days of imprisonment so blithely.  More amazing that she called him blameless, and though he knew he had done nothing to put her there, he also had done nothing to help her leave.  He was no Gryffindor; it would have made no sense for him to go riding to her rescue with no hope of success.  But everyone looks at him as though he should have done.  
  
The wizarding world had no use for cowards or conscientious objectors.  This was the world of Harry Potter.  And in Harry Potter’s world, all they wanted were avengers on white horses carrying a flaming sword.  
  
“I thought you looked lonely,” she says, her bright voice penetrating his dark mood.  
  
He snorts with just the right hint of derision and aristocratic humor.  “I am not what one would call especially popular.”  
  
“Because your father killed people.”  
  
“In fairness to my father, not that he deserves it, but I think it has more to do with me."

"You never killed anyone," Luna says, as if he needs reminding, as if he hasn't spent the better part of a decade restraining himself from screaming this in public at every opportunity.

Nevertheless, he demurs, "Not for lack of trying."  
  
She shrugs as if this were of no consequence.  “You were seventeen.  What did you know?”  
  
“You’re surprisingly forgiving.”  He senses a plot.  Luna may seem guileless, but he would have been foolish to forget she was a Ravenclaw.  And after spending three months in the family cellar, subject to his aunt's fits of temper and the occasional appearance of Fenrir, Luna Lovegood had more reason than most.  
  
She senses his suspicion and laughed in his face.  Not cruelly.  There was a musical lilt that left part of him longing to hear her sing.  “I’m not really suited for espionage, Draco.  I’m too honest.  Everyone says so.”  
  
Yes, Luna had lost much of her dreamy nonsensical ramblings, at least for this party, but she was still blunt to a fault.  It was, after all, not polite to bring up that one’s father was a convicted murderer.  
  
“Why did you come here then?” Draco mutters with a flash of bitterness.  “To remind me that not all sins belong to the father?”  
  
She may have looked at him with pity, but it's impossible to tell with her.  “I told you why I came.”  
  
“Because I looked lonely,” he sneers.  Not an expression he regularly reaches for anymore, one he generally takes great pains to avoid, but his body remembers it.  And he remembers when he wore it like a second skin, and when the curl of his lip and narrowed eyes practically held him together for that last, disastrous year at school.  When he had a choice between sneering or weeping to stay sane.  He thought he'd made the brave choice.  He realized now how wrong he'd been; he had no talent for bravery, not even in the small things.

“Forgive me," he continues, "but I don’t see why I’m so deserving of your charity.”  
  
Something brushed against his skin like an angel feather.  He blinked and nearly recoiled when he realized she was touching his cheek.  Stupidly, he expected it to burn, but it was a cool.  
  
“I believe in forgiveness, Draco Malfoy,” she murmurs, his voice winding through him like a silk ribbon carrying an unbreakable promise.  “Especially for those who acted out of fear and love, not malicious intent.  
  
“There’s a glass cage surrounding you, Draco,” Luna tells him, pulling away.  “It’s time someone had the sense to break it.”  
  
She leaves him without another word, silks rustling together as she vanished into the crowd.  He waited all of three seconds before bursting from his place, nearly sprinting towards the balcony and gulping down the fresh air he found there as if he had nearly drowned.  
  
What Luna sees as a cage, Draco saw as a boundary.  It kept him in, but it keeps him safe.

Maybe he's tired of safe.  
  
Maybe (finally-finally- _finally),_  someone cares enough to reach him.


	3. Umbrella Man (Remus/Sirius)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is a very careful person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written June 2007.

Remus is the sort who takes an umbrella with him even when there isn’t a cloud in the sky. No matter what, Remus picks up his umbrella from the stand before leaving the flat. He smiles when Sirius rolls his eyes.  
  
They are walking through London on one of those days when thunder suddenly rumbles, prompting Remus to open the umbrella just before the sky opens up. Sirius huddles beneath the cloth and kisses Remus in the middle of the street.  
  
When they part, Remus has both of his eyebrows raised. “What was that for?”  
  
“Always carrying that bloody umbrella.”


	4. No Thank You (Remus/Sirius, James)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James comes to help Remus after the full moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Queerditch ficlet, probably written before April 2006, which is when I archived it somewhere for the first time. Revised December 2017.

Remus was in a great deal of pain, lying naked on the cold, splintery floor of the Shrieking Shack.  His bones felt as if they'd all been broken and remade only to revert back to their original state, his skin as if it had been stretched and twisted around his new skeleton, and his entire body as if someone had taken a very hefty crowbar and beaten him about because they could.  And oddly enough, that was precisely what had happened.  
  
Well, the first two things anyway.  
  
Remus was aware that James was there, and that Sirius and Peter were not.  Beyond that, everything was a dull blur.  
  
James patted his head awkwardly.  "All right, Moony?"  
  
"Kill you if you ever ask me that after a full moon again," Remus groaned irritably, too tired for proper sentence structure.  "Soon as I can move my arms."  
  
James laughed a bit at that.  "You always say that."

"Make good on it one day," Remus promised.

"You always say that, too."  
  
"Where's Sirius?" Remus asked, ignoring him.  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
Remus tried to uncurl his body to stare at James, but then he remembered that that was a physical impossibility.  This is important, so he makes an effort at full sentences, no matter how exhausting.  "It does matter if I ripped his throat out."  
  
"Well, if you ripped his throat out, I might mention it."  
  
"Yes, you _might_."  
  
It was a very long time before James answered, nearly long enough to rouse Remus into a full blown panic.  In the end, he sighed and said, "He went back with Peter."

"Pete's all right?"

"Mostly."

Anxiety thrummed in his gut.  "Elaborate."  
  
"You stepped on him," James said.  "He's in one piece, just... sort of a U-shape."  
  
"That's unfortunate," Remus said, relieved it wasn't worse.  It could always be so much worse.  Sometimes he worried so much about that nebulous _worse_ that he thought about telling them to stay behind.  But Prongs was strong, Wormtail was quick, and Padfoot was Moony's match in so many ways.  They would survive.  He knew that.  He believed it, most of the time.  But in the cool grey dawn with an aching gap in his memory, he worried.  He always would.  
  
"He may whine at you later," James warned.

"Long as he does it quietly."

James agreed this was best.

Normally, at this juncture, James would have been slowly helping Remus to his feet.  Part of Remus thought he ought to hurry James along, but mostly, he was content to lie on the ground.  Being filthy was less important than being still.

Then James said, "You ever notice you ask for Sirius first?"

Remus was too tired for many things.  Sadly, he was not too tired to blush and felt the back of his neck heat.  "I do?"

"Well, maybe not always-always.  But lately."

Not for the first time, Remus wished he could be a bit more like Sirius.  Sirius would have waggled his eyebrows, asked if James was jealous, and laughed it off.  And James would have let him because James liked laughter far more than he liked change.

But Remus was nothing like Sirius, so he said, "Ah."

James sighed.  "I'm rolling my eyes at you, just so you know."

"Assumed."

"Let me help you up."  James bent down, slinging Remus's arm over his shoulder.  Remus tried not to wince, knowing James moved him as gently as he could.  When Remus was on his feet, he laid his head on James's shoulder and closed his eyes.  He braced himself to hobble out of the shack.

They didn't move.

Remus peaked out of one eye, silently questioning.

James mock-glared.  _"You're welcome."_

"Oh, tha--"

"Save your breath, Moony," James said, maneuvering them forward.  "I sort of doubt your sincerity when I have to remind you."  He gave Remus a light squeeze.  "I know you're just tired, mate.  Sleepy werewolf and all."

The effort of dragging himself around exhausts him so that he can only grunt in response.

"Funny thing though.  You always thank Padfoot."

Remus groans.

"In your own time, mate.  In your own time."


	5. When You Wish upon a Sirius (MWPP + Lily)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I scoff at teeth stains!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written April 2011. Couple of minor edits December 2017.

"I have decided to become a vampire."  
  
Though James was hard pressed to look up from his daily Lily-mooning, this statement brought him out of his reverie.  Peter of course was always available to set aside whatever he was doing for Sirius's flights of fancy; he was reliable that way.  Remus on the other hand would have liked nothing more than to continue on his essay just to spite the other boy; however, he could tell that despite his irritation with James's red-headed distraction and his appreciation of Peter's hero worship, this particular tangent was directed at him.  Sirius did love to scandalize.  So it was with a weighty, weary sigh that Remus set aside his quill and spun to face the boy.  
  
"Why ever would you want to be a vampire, Sirius?" Remus asked, pondering how very different and quiet his life would have been if he'd been sorted into Ravenclaw as his parents had expected.  
  
Sirius stared at him as if he'd begun to turn into a wolf in the middle of the common room.  "Because it would be amazing.  Obviously."  
  
"Drinking blood cannot be as good as firewhiskey," James supplied.  "Also, there is the gross factor."  
  
"Probably stain your teeth," Peter added, having recently gotten on a weird dental hygiene kick.  
  
"Bah!  I scoff at teeth stains!" Sirius announced, gesturing widely and nearly punching a third year in the back of the head.  "They would be pointy and glimmering and pearly white for that is the way of the Blacks!"  
  
It was true, Remus had to admit.  He had no love for most of Sirius's relatives, but if he were threatened with an Unforgiveable to say something complimentary about them, he could always fall back on their straight, white teeth.  Racist, abusive wankers all, but nice teeth.  
  
"Pretend I'm an idiot," Remus said, "and explain to me why you think this is a good idea."  
  
"Clearly you are an idiot if you do not understand, but I will explain it - JUST FOR YOU, MOONY - step by step so that your insignificant brain comprehends my greatness."  
  
Remus wondered, not for the first time, if he ought to go through all of his interactions with Sirius under a certain amount of chemical influence.  
  
"I have been researching this.  You would be so proud of me, Moony.  I read books in the library and didn't even fidget that much.  Pince was convinced I'd been possessed."  He sighed in an 'if only' sort of way.  "But based on my extensive reading, I have come to the following conclusions.  
  
"1) Vampires are already ridiculously attractive."  
  
Sirius paused, clearly waiting for someone to say that he was already ridiculously attractive and therefore did not need to become a vampire.  E ven Peter, who was always ready for a compliment, refused to pander so easily, and kept silent.  Sirius glared at all of them like traitors, but went on.  
  
"2) Vampires are immortal.  We all know that eternal life has been a life-long pursuit of mine - in addition to obtaining the love of the long resisting Minerva McGonagall.  Vampirism seems to be an easy solution to the Death Problem."  
  
"An eternity of this prattle," Remus drawled, unable to stop from rolling his eyes.  "A dream come true."  
  
Sirius glared murderously.  "Just for that, Moony, I will not invite you to join my vampire coven and just leave you a poor, pathetic human."  
  
That stung a bit, but Remus was expert at not letting it show.  Still, James shot Sirius a 'look,' ever protective.  If Sirius received the message, Remus couldn't tell, but if he had, he would be granted an epic poem by way of apology upon returning to their rooms.  Remus wondered if Sirius could manage to do the whole thing in iambic pentameter if asked and suspected the answer was 'yes.'  
  
"Do I get to be in the coven?" asked Peter.  
  
Sirius smiled indulgently.  "Yes, Peter, because vampires will need someone to mind their teeth.  James only gets to join if he agrees to bite Lily Evans."  
  
James clearly interpreted this statement in a far different manner than Sirius had intended.  He looked absolutely smitten with the idea and turned a shade of red Remus had to label 'mauve.'  
  
"And 3) Vampires always get laid."

Remus arched an eyebrow. "Funny, I don't remember Stoker describing anything of the sort."  
  
"That's because Drac kept getting interrupted by stupid old Van Helsing," Sirius said sagely.  He then regarded Remus with newfound suspicion.  "You, Moony, are definitely my Van Helsing.  Too many books, a total killjoy, and also you smell funny."  
  
"Because you spilled your horrid cologne all over me this morning, remember?  I just stopped sneezing an hour ago."  
  
"The point still stands," Sirius insisted.  
  
From across the room, a book slammed shut.  James immediately turned in the direction of the sound, eyes filled with adoration.  There were very few girls in Gryffindor who lacked patience for Sirius's monologues.  Lily had the least.  Remus wondered if that's why James was in love with her to begin with.  
  
"As usual, Sirius, you've crossed so far into ludicrousness that I lack the lexicon to adequately describe it," Lily said, striding over to them with a snap of her robes eerily similar to McGonagall.  
  
"Evans," Sirius answered coolly.  "I should have noted that you would be the one exception to the vampire allure."  He smirked.  "You'd definitely be Van Helsing's scantily clad assistant."  
  
James choked loudly and glared at Remus as though he were responsible for this.  As always with James's misguided fits of jealousy, Remus ignored him.  
  
"As your boss, I give you permission to be appropriately rather than scantily clad," Remus said smoothly.  
  
Lily spared him a smile.  "Ever the gentleman."  
  
Remus shrugged.  "Someone's got to do it."  
  
"I am not ludicrous!" Sirius nearly shouted in his pay-attention-to-me tone.  Remus and Lily smiled indulgently and turned back to him.  "My ambitions make perfect sense.  My three needs in life are as follows: to be pretty forever, to live forever, and to have a lot of sex.  Thus, vampire."  
  
Lily shook her head.  "I don't see the point in wasting my breath lecturing you on how shallow you are.  It'd be a broken record at this point.  So I'll have to settle for pointing out the main flaw in your plan."  
  
Sirius straightened his back, now towering over her.  "My plan is perfect.  Flaw-less, one might say."  
  
But Lily just smiled.  "Vampires have no blood, correct?  It's why they have to drink it.  Nothing in their veins.  No heartbeat."  
  
" _Obviously._ "  
  
Lily leaned dangerously close to Sirius - dangerous enough for James to be on the verge of seizing.  Her lips curled and her hair glowed gold in the firelight.  And then she murmured softly, "I think you'll find a certain... appendage needs blood, hm?"  
  
She waited until Sirius understood exactly what she was talking about.  When his skin paled and his mouth fell open a little, she was satisfied.  She turned on her heel and ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitory, swinging her hips slightly more than necessary.  Remus wasn't sure if this was to taunt James or add another flavor to her performance.  Either way, one had to admire her gall.  
  
"So I wouldn't... I couldn't... I'd be..." Sirius whimpered.  
  
"I think that was her point, mate," Peter said gravely.  "Mind if I opt out of your coven?  I'm rather partial, to... Well, you know."  
  
Sirius swooned onto the couch, either ignoring or failing to notice the pair of fifth years sitting on it.  Used to these antics, the Gryffindors rolled him onto the floor and continued their Charms practice.  Sirius groaned.  "Why does Evans have to ruin  _everything_?"  
  
"Because you make it so easy," Remus reminded him.  
  
"Cause she hates you," Peter answered bluntly.  
  
"Because she is an angel among us," James sighed.  
  
"I hate you all."


	6. Pride and Prejudice (Snape & Narcissa)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape and Narcissa, prejudice and pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written circa 2005/2006.

He didn't have any pride to speak of.  He was all prejudice, hating and resenting blindly, creating reasons when there really weren't any aside from the fact that they didn't like him, would never like him, and were therefore not worth liking at all.  
  
But she was all pride, floating with nose in the air, looking at him out of the corner of her eye like he was an unpleasant stain on the carpet.  She kept floating, untouchable, unreachable, and the only person he never hated.  
  
Still, when she came on her knees years later, he couldn’t help but smile.


End file.
